“Gravity weighs a shit ton today”…I said to my friend this morning in my typical, I-don’t-know-how-to-describe-this-feeling-any-other-way, less than refined language.
“I’m so sorry!”, came the kind response.
“Don’t be!”, I said. ”I’m just going to let it pull me under”.
Cycles need to do their work. The movement of going under and dying is in the same arc of directional force as the upward sprouting, and the living. We women know this intrinsically…and for those of you more delicate readers, I need not delve more deeply into this but to say I am feeling particularly pulled down into the earth right now.
Summer has rolled in and out. There have been pony rides, and train rides…water fun, and a blessed AC window unit to help cool us down…a now-crawling-and-teething Rowan, and a fruitful garden….it’s been a fast, full, and fun summer. But here on the verge of fall, I feel myself beginning the seasonal descent a little early this year.
I have been reading most of the recommended books on our reading list for the Living School and find I have no words to adequately make sense of what has been unearthed within. Some were already familiar books, like Cynthia Bourgeault’s “Wisdom way of knowing”, “The Wisdom Jesus”, Richard Rohr’s “A Lever and a place to stand”, and other contemplative classics like “The Cloud of Unknowing”. Some were new to me, like Finley’s “Merton’s palace of nowhere”, “Mystical theology: the science of Love” by Johnston, and the great works of John of the Cross, Meister Eckhart, and Jacob Boheme…which I had heard and read plenty about, but for the first time I have actually dipped my pinky toe into some of their work.
There are more books to the list…but some i simply don’t know how to write about, so I think it best if I don’t even name them. But…it seemed as though with some, my body read them more than my mind…I felt a deep resonance, or perhaps it was a recognition. Reading them was the feeling of a key fitting into a lock somewhere deep within. Or, as if a game of Tetris was taking place inside me, with pieces shifting and fitting into themselves, somehow in the building a lightening simultaneously occurring.
It’s been rich…and undoing. The kind of slow, and steady work that happens in the dark…when you’re not really looking. The kind of work that helps you see yourself more clearly: the funny little patterns and panicky projections, the delightful creativity and joy, along WITH the darkness and duplicity. Learning to accept the beauty of this one whole living, imperfectly perfect, breathing and boundless soul with awe…and a little humor.
I had these very good (and quite comical) intentions to spend the last two weeks before my journey out west in a more quiet, contemplative posture…perhaps doing some sort of fast or detox. I imagined monks chanting, and blue birds descending onto my shoulder…maybe myself slightly levitating in the lotus position.
Let’s get real, people. That is most assuredly NOT happening.
Instead, I am finding myself facing another 10 day international trip that my husband is taking with usual resentfulness and dread. My toddler has displayed all the recognizable flags of “I need my mom to be present to me for the next couple weeks” in the extreme signs of neediness of a kid who has been out of his routine for the last two weeks and my 9 month old has another cold. There are parent teacher conferences to schedule, and a supply list to go over (yes! even for a toddler!). I have milk yet to pump, meals to plan, and schedules to create for my time away…
I think instead of being zen, i will probably dissolve into a puddle of tears when I sit down on that first leg flight out to New Mexico. But you know what? Although the passenger next to me may not be, I’m really ok with that. I feel the fullness of what is happening around and within me…and am at peace with the pressures that are pulling me under. I may not be in a lotus position, but I am certainly still being invited to die to my “self” and come back to the present moment with each tick of life’s hectic clock. To say, “Welcome, welcome, welcome”…and allow myself to be swallowed whole, moving out of my mind, and into the belly below.